Thursday, July 22, 2010

Extreme Makeover

I've been doing a lot of thinking about cosmetic surgery lately -- not for myself, but for a novel. And poor ol' SuBo here is making me ponder: what if I could have an extreme writing makeover? What kind of writer would I want to be if I could redesign myself from top to toe?

First and foremost, I'd love to be a writer who could Tweet all day, never be distracted and never get thrown off course when an exciting review or a bit of news trickles through the inbox. I'd like to have a brain of steel rather than a cotton woolly one where random bits of info float around and sometimes manage to stick themselves down on paper.

I'd like to never get jealous or even slightly green when I hear someone's signed with an agent, got a killer book deal or made Amazon Top 10.

I'd love to write with confidence, with belief in myself and my ability -- and not look for outside validation (sigh).

I'd like to have a killer ass that doesn't get sore from sitting down too much or spread outwards as an after-effect.

I'd give anything to stop feeling apologetic for writing women's fiction, to stand up for my genre and let people know there's value in what I do!

I'd love to be one of those super-cool writers who always look funky in cafés with their Macbooks and horn-rimmed specs; I'd like to be a writer who can write in cafés!

And finally... I'd like to write like me, but better.

What about you? If you could have an extreme writing makeover, what would be on your list?

55 comments:

  1. LOL. All I can say to all those, is, me too!

    Love those pics of SuBo too.

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  2. What would be on my list is exactly what appears in yours insofar as having a porous brain is concerned. Good news in the inbox? Great, super-productive day. Not-so-good-news? Bah humbug, may as well go to Starbee without the laptop, what's the point! Always like so, in endless cycles of great, not-so-great, down-in-dumps, super and all of their permutations. I guess I'd love to work completely disconnected; from the waiting for news, the having to do food shopping, vet duties, cleaning duties, you name it. But I guess that being completely unplugged from Expectant Writer Brain alone would help.

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  3. But if you changed all those things it might not be you any more and I like your style and the weird ideas you get and the funny way you describe them to us.
    No, you don't need a makeover.

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  4. The ability to fly!

    Oh, this is supposed to be writing-related?

    *deep pondering*

    The ability to fly! How cool would it be to be a flying writer? And imagine the query letter possibilities!!

    "Dear so-and-so from the such-and-such literary agency,

    [Title of novel] centers around... Nevermind what my book is about - I can fly! Surely you can get someone who can fly a book deal, right? I thought so.

    I look forward to hearing from you.

    Lots of love,

    J. Neeb"

    Yep, obtaining the ability to fly would be my writing makeover. Now I just need to figure out how... (Stupid details.) :)

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  5. I want to sit in my chair all day, eat whatever I want and lose 60 lbs. to be the size I was when I was your age. We're in fantasyland here, right?

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  6. All those things - who says you're not, or will one day be?

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  7. Thanks for chiming in, guys!

    Sarah - AW! You're so sweet! But I can change my ass, right?

    JM - LOL! You made me snicker! Love this. Of course flying would get you a book deal; I wouldn't even worry about what to write! How can they resist? I'd like to be on the receiving end of that query letter.

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  8. Oops, Karen and Alex snuck in there!

    Karen - Yup, fantasy all the way. We can have the whatever we want.

    Alex - You're too nice! I hold out hope.

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  9. Killing distractions would be a great thing to rid myself of - along with most others on your list. But if a magic makeover took away those things, we'd probably not be writers anymore. I think we need most of those to perservere (all except for the spreading butt)

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  10. Aw, this is such a lovely post! You are fabulous and published (which is what I'd like to be!), so it's all too easy to forget how lovely and down-to-earth you are, Talli! I think I'd agree with you on every one of those points, especially:

    "I'd like to have a killer ass that doesn't get sore from sitting down too much or spread outwards as an after-effect."

    Hahahaha. Yep, so true. Carpal tunnel be damned, the true writer's bane is the risk of our bottoms growing from all that sitting. Sigh.

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  11. I'd like to be undistractable, to be able to sit still for more than five minutes without...oooh, a new website about shoes! And what a nice day it's been, soon be school holidays with more time and...what was the question, again?

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  12. Ooohhh I would LOVE to *not* suck!!! Yeah! Top of my writing list:)

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  13. Agented and published would be a pretty cool start for me ... but a little more concise with my descriptions couldn't hurt either.

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  14. I think I'd like to have a little more perspective. Yes. Please box that up and send it over now. Express ship it if you need to.

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  15. I'm with you on the list. I'd love to be able not to get distracted when I'm supposed to be writing. Like now. :)

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  16. Awww Talli!!! Why on earth would you like to have a non spreadable bum?? That's just not normal! ;-)

    Ya know - I'd love to be the writer in the cafe who gets discovered by a top notch agent and offered a publishing deal worth squillions and then swan off into the sunset.

    Sigh.

    Now all I wish for when in a cafe is a good cup of properly made cappuccino for the £2.55 I spend on it!!! I hope the fine people of Costa are reading this!

    :-)
    Take care
    x

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  17. You pretty much got down all my writer makeover wishes. But it would be nice to never run out of inspiration...

    One day, you, me, or anyone else here may very well be all of these things! That's what's so exciting about a writing career, or anything for that matter: you just never know when greatness can happen.

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  18. I`d love all these things too! If I could, I`d write just like Susanna Clark, she is just marvelous. And that would be a really extreme makeover on my writting skills, most certainly!

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  19. I think I'd rather just steal your list, only substitute apologizing for women's fiction to apologizing for fantasy. :-P

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  20. Brilliant list, Talli, never apologise for what you write....
    The cool ones with the horn rim specs in the cafes are probably typing their tesco online shopping to look busy.....
    I was sitting in Bewleys cafe in Grafton St (main street in Dublin city) last night with a family group, very literary famous cafe and I was thinking, I want my picture up there with Joyce and Beckett and Wilde some day...dream on me....we have to dream!!

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  21. I don't know, aside from the women's fiction, you pretty much just nailed it haha. :) Great post!

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  22. What a funny question. Cool.

    I'd like to automatically not ever make any mistakes (neither factual nor grammatical). A metabolism suited for a sedentary lifestyle sounds good (as others have mentioned). A built-in shit detector I think I've already got. :)

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  23. Full blown confidence, take the bull by the horns drive. (Hugs)Indigo

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  24. "I'd love to write with confidence, with belief in myself and my ability -- and not look for outside validation (sigh)."

    DITTO.

    I'd love to write better the first draft around because even though I know that first drafts are supposed to be bad, I hate how bad mine turn out. It's like rewriting the whole darn book.

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  25. This was the cutest post, you did wonderful on things that you'd like made over. I definitely have a list of my own and something that I'd like to add to yours is that I'd love to be able to write full-time, what a wonderful makeover that would be. One day soon I'm sure!

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  26. Hehehe, I would just like to be able to write!!

    C x

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  27. i would like to be J. K. Rowling.

    OMG THE INSIDE OF HER BRAIN MUST BE AMAZING.

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  28. Wow, how cool to meet your caffeine self.

    Sigh. It's counter-cultural, but I'm at a good place with my writing. That Holy Spirit is a great muse!

    Would LOVE to have you drop by my place. Then you will be declared a bloggite!!

    Blessings, Talli! Glad we "met" at Jennifer's!
    Patti

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  29. okay this post is simply amazing! It made my day (which was terrible but now isn't hah). When I first saw the title I thought about "extreme makeover - Home Edition" - because that's the only Extreme Makeover that's ever been in Polish TV, so I thought it wouldn't be any good! :) Luckily you proved me wrong.

    I think that your list is great, I would add that I'd love to be writer who doesn't have to sleep. At all. You know, like S.Meyer's vampires. I wouldn't even have to sparkle in the sun, you know. Just no wasting time on sleeping. On a more serious note, I think that having enough time for Twitter and other stuff like this, while at the same time, being able to focus in 100% would be perfection.

    Also, it's quite funny: for me cafes are the best place to write.

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  30. Hahaha! Another interesting post from Talli Roland. I like Subo's makeover that you've included but I don't think you need one as a writer! You are sooo good as you are and I'm looking forward to getting a copy of your debut novel! :-) x

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  31. Talli, I've found that when you "own" what you do, then your self and your unique style will shine through. And that's what the readers want to see :)

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  32. oooh the twitter one is good.

    i wish i was a writer who could get my revisions done as fast i can get my drafts done.

    and i wish i was a writer who didn't automatically stray towards passive characters

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  33. I would love to be more disciplined with my writing goals.

    (And the killer ass would be nice too) :)

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  34. I'd love for my writing to have deeper levels and hidden meanings. This was fun to imagine!

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  35. Amen. Your last one is the best. I totally understand the wish to tweet more. Best to write a good book though, as you've done, than to be a great tweeter!

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  36. All the above! I would just like to feel like I am getting somewhere with my writing. That would be a good start! I think you are headed in the right direction and in danger of major envy!!!

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  37. Great post - I bet I'd have to make over a LOT more than you though. You're right about the need to stop feeling inferior because you write women's fiction - it's a bloody good genre and many's the time I've enjoyed a 'chick-lit' novel far more than a man-booker prize winner x

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  38. Don't be apologetic! Oh, and I think they sell prescriptionless horn-rimmed glasses at places like CVS, right? No reason you can't be that writer. :)

    I would love to write like me, but better, too. :) I also agree on the confidence issue. There are lots of things I would add to the list, like having the discipline to write at a specific time every day, or to want to write by hand. But I agree with all of yours.

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  39. Talli,
    Quite a list, but you have a very captivating style of writing otherwise we wouldn't be here day after day to read your fun blogs. We also never know what to expect, which is so important.

    And next year you have a shot at making the Amazon Top 10.

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  40. I'd love to be able to always write when I had the time and not suddenly be stumped for how to begin.
    I'd love to be able to multi-task to the point where I could have twitter running at the same time that I was writing.
    That said, I wouldn't really want to change that much about me, I just need an extra twenty hours in each day.

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  41. AMEN! I'll sign up for all of those!

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  42. Love the list!! My extreme writing makeover would be very similar to yours. I'd also love to be the kind of writer who doesn't reach for the box of cookies or go on an online shopping spree when I'm at a loss for words. I'd be the kind of writer who goes jogging or something... (Never going to happen!)

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  43. Count me in all of them and you will have everything you want hopefully sooner :)

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  44. This was a brilliant post! I can think of plenty of things I'd like to change (including time manipulation, if that's an option!) But in the end, I agree with Sarah--you don't need to change a thing!

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  45. Of course there's value in what you do - stop apologizing!

    I'd like to be a writer that gets published. Yes, that would be very nice. :)

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  46. Everyone has their own unique voice and yours rocks. Naturally, even you can aspire to be better, as we all do..:)

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  47. I wish I could just shut everything out. As time goes on, I've noticed that a lot of what needs to be shut out, is in my own head. I long for those minutes and hours when it just flows out...when I can hardly type it fast enough to make sure I catch it all.
    I may need a lobotmy for that!
    thanks for making me think about that, it's me...it's not anything outside, my distractions are all in my head....Squirrel!!!

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  48. Oh Ho! That picture of Susan Boyle made me laugh out loud. Very good!

    Hey, I took your advice on the word verification thing. Oh happy day!

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  49. Hi Talli .. perhaps we should all get knee rests to write at?! Spread bottoms - too right .. I sometimes eat standing up in the kitchen on my own! .. saves my backside ..

    I'm sure we all have similar thoughts - sadly ....

    Have a fun weekend .. Hilary

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  50. LOL

    All of the above, but if I could only change one thing, it would be to banish my migraines. They are triggered by using the computer too much, which is the last thing a writer needs!

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  51. "Brains of steel". Lol! I'd like to be able to earn a living by writing full time as my extreme writing make over.

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  52. Couldn't agree with you more about Twitter. How writers can tweet all day is beyond me--it's like being in a room with a lot of people talking but no one really listening. I've tried but just can't do it.

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  53. Haha - so true! I think everyone would change something if they could:)

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  54. In the words of Bob Dylan, "Every one of them words rang true and glowed like burnin' coals."

    I'd like to write like me but better. Not a day goes by when I stare my writing in the face, slam my clawed fingers into my temples and scream like Van Gogh, "ALMOST THERE. This is ALMOST like I wanted it. But it SUCKS, that's the difference."

    I'd like to write in cafes. I've tried. I feel like a hack.

    I'd like to not feel like a doofus when I tell people I'm writing a work of (primarily) science fiction.

    I'd like to believe in myself.

    And most of all I'd like to not get jealous when I hear somebody's got a book deal. I feel like donating my pathetic assets to charity and going and living in a tree in Madagascar when that happens.

    Guess I just have to take inspiration from this post and work harder at all that. Thanks for the reminder!

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Coffee and wine for all!