Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Shepherd's Pie, Cocktails and Lingerie

Greetings, fair Bloggites! I'm still in the throes of editing (yes, still. Yes, this is round, like, five bazillion) and being brain dead, I reached out to Twitter to give me some blog idea joy. And -- Twitter being full of being evil people -- this is what they've come back with. So I've found a way to work such disparate elements into a little ditty for your reading pleasure (or not).

Shepherd's Pie, Cocktails and Lingerie

I lean over the hot oven, splatters from the mince creating oily splotches on the pristine pages of my cookbook. Sweat beads on my brow and I wipe it away before it joins the oil slicks. Who the hell asks for shepherd's pie in July? Surely not shepherds -- they're too busy sleeping off the heat under a tree somewhere. No, the only person daft enough to request such a thing is Gregory. My ex. My sodding, silly ex who dumped me last year, and who now has the temerity to invite himself over and ask for bloody shepherd's pie!

So that's what I'm cooking. Yes, I know it's pathetic. But if I said no, he'd think I'm not over him yet. And if I don't make the dish he asked for, he'd figure I'm spiteful, right? I should also mention I'm wearing my best lingerie: a dusky pink satin balcony bra and skimpy matching knickers. Why? Well, the sauciest action these poor items have seen is when I ripped off the sales tags. And I have to make an effort, to show Gregory I've not let myself go.

I throw in a handful of carrots and take a big swig of my vodka tonic. Already things are slightly hazy, but drinking will just take off the edge of all those awkward 'so-hey-how-are-you moments' we're sure to have. I haven't seen Greg since he stuck me with the bill at Pizza Express after smugly proclaiming he was heading to Peru to 'find himself'. I hope he found some more hair, since he'd just started balding and that combing-forward tactic so wasn't working for him.

Oh! Here he is! A bit early, but maybe he can help make the food . . . okay, not likely. God, is that the buzzer again? Looks like he hasn't found any patience. Do I really need to let him in? Do I even want to? I gulp back my drink, listening to the insistent buzzes and watching the beef sizzle in front of me.

Bloody Gregory. He can ring my bell all he wants, but he's not getting my pie!

(Euphemism intended.)

68 comments:

  1. Ha. Love it! :)

    Thanks so much for cheering up my Wednesday. (I'm in Edit Hell...)

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  2. So funny! I know about being brain dead from editing! Brain fried is how I term it :)

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  3. Hee hee. :) I like this post! More Twitter-inspired short stories from the editing trenches, please.

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  4. I don't think your so brain dead after all! This was brilliant! So glad I could help you with your blog topic. I'll consider myself evil... today it was a success :)

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  5. What a great story! And so impressed you wrote it in, what, 5 minutes??

    It's too hot for shepherd's pie here, too. But now I want some.

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  6. This made me smile - thank you:-)

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  7. Ilove it, especially the ending :) And I'll second wanting shepherd's pie now :)

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  8. Funny stuff... could be the start of your next novel?!

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  9. Hope she also spits on his bit of shepherd's pie!! And keep hers to herself!

    LOL! Take care
    x

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  10. Shepherd's Pie and wine over a man. This girl has her priorities straight!

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  11. At the risk of displaying my innocence... what's a balcony bra?

    Also, well done. :D

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  12. Had a good laugh visiting here.Thanks.

    Finished your book, wonderful!!!!!

    Yvonne.

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  13. Awesome!! Can't wait for this one! And you win the prize for the most original, clever, must read this post titles in blog land.

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  14. Hi Talli .. Shepherd's Pie .. just the thing and definitely not for others .. especially exes .. good for you - fun and vodka-tonic filled .. balcony lingerie .. sounds like Juliet is around ..

    Cheers - left overs are always good too ... Hilary

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  15. Fantastic blog post! Thanks, Talli. Jx

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  16. Creative. Good luck with your editing.

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  17. This is great fun stuff. Chuck the emotion, it made me hungry.Manzanita@Wannabuyaduck

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  18. Love it! I want to read more!!!

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  19. Very funny! You did a great job mixing all the ingredients and turning it into an entertaining story with a bang-up ending! Julie

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  20. Thanks for brightening my mid-week. And special thanks for visiting my blog and giving me a bit of prose support. It meant a lot, Roland

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  21. This is wonderful!

    I am not usually a fan of romance, but I'm trying reall hard to expand my horizons. I will definitely be reading more of your work.

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  22. I love this! Cheered me right up. Very clever :)

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  23. Haha I love how you've managed to bring all those things together! Nothing quite like Twitter for inspiration. :-)

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  24. Ha ha, I love this. So funny! The title alone is fabulous. Thanks for the giggles! :)

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  25. Oh so sorry, didn't mean to lose that big slice of pie in your lap! Have another drink!

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  26. This is great!! I loved the line, "I hope he found some more hair"! :D

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  27. LOL- good piece Talli. I enjoyed the humor in it.

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  28. Lol, great piece, Talli. I love this post, it made me laugh - and good luck with editing! ACK, I'm so glad I'm in the drafting stage right now.

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  29. Loved it! Also, it reminds me a bit of the Drunken Kitchen series on Youtube, where the girl picks a recipe to make while also drinking. Comedy ensues

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  30. Your next entry - Gregory's response!

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  31. Hehehehe nice one! Thanks for the smile!

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  32. Hahaha! What evil people on twitter?? ;-P

    Coincedently, I'm sitting in my underwear, sipping vodka and lemonade as I type this. No Ex or shepards pie, thank the lord! *clink clink*

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  33. Brilliant :-) I've just had a phone call from my ex (of a decade!!!!) tonight wanting to come and see me, so this really made me laugh, he'll probably want curry in August.

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  34. I enjoyed reading it very much. Makes me so glad my dating days are over. :)

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  35. I love the double entendre of the last line!

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  36. Haha! So funny! I love it! I agree with her - don't let Gregory get her pie!!!! :) This part really cracked me up: "I haven't seen Greg since he stuck me with the bill at Pizza Express after smugly proclaiming he was heading to Peru to 'find himself'. I hope he found some more hair, since he'd just started balding and that combing-forward tactic so wasn't working for him." Haha!

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  37. lol! See, being stuck in endless edits is good for the creativity ;)

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  38. So very clever, Tali! Thanks for the bit of fun.

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  39. Good for her! LOVED the ending....

    Terrific mid-week fun.

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  40. HAHAHA! I lurve SP and I love how you integrated it into your writing. Never thought I would see SP and cocktails together though...and the lingerie was quite unexpected! :P

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  41. Ha Ha,

    Yes very amusing. I love her thought process.

    Every time i cook Shepard's pie my husband shouts out this quote.

    "The pie shall be cut in half, each man shall receive death and I'll eat the pie."

    Sarah

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  42. Really like that, Talli - good writing exercise too, I suspect.

    Funny and witty too, just like you! x

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  43. Love it!

    Three random phrases thrown together in a brilliantly written piece.

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  44. Great stuff Talli. I am still laughing.

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  45. Oh no, you didn't...."he can't have pie"---ROFLMAO. Talli, I was dying to see this when you Tweeted about it last night. Hilarious.

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  46. I'm in Editing Hell too (hence my recent blog post lol!) This was a fun read.

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  47. Great to find your blog! You have cheered my day too:):) I am a new follower.

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  48. LOL! Fantastic. Sauciest action was when she ripped the tags off... *snort* good stuff. Great work, Talli~ :o) <3

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  49. Could just see the whole scene unfold... great fun!

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  50. Hi, Talli. Just wanted to let you know I've mentioned you on a guest post. Link is up at my blog, if you get a chance.

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  51. Too funny! You crack me up lol.

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  52. Whenever I need a lift, I head over to your blog, Talli. :)

    P.S. I've left a response to your comment on Bird’s-eye View at http://michellefayard.blogspot.com/2011/07/getting-blog-comments-to-work-for-you.html.

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  53. Boy you do have some evil Twitter peeps. :) Great write up though but anything with Vodka is always better, right? ;)
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

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  54. Awesome!! You did a fabulous job!

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  55. Very cool! HA! thanks for the smile.
    Happy Editing. xx

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  56. Stuck her with the bill and was bad company? Tsk, tsk.

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  57. Let him eat cake! Wait... is that a euphemism too?

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  58. Shh, do not mention the E word!

    Loved the short story. It is the opening of a novel you do realise don't you? :))))

    You have been tagged over at my blog by the way. x

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  59. Since I'm new to your blog I didn't QUITE get this was fiction. I was about to scream: NO TALLY! DON'T LET THE W*NKER IN!!!

    And then I started howling with laughter. "Find himself." In Peru. Freaking brilliant.

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  60. You know just what to do, Talli, when someone in life kicks you. I loved this! Can't wait to read about Willow Watts. Your writing sparkles!
    Ann Best, Author of In the Mirror, A Memoir of Shattered Secrets

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Coffee and wine for all!